IKEA instructions

When you go to IKEA, wear neutral tones. Maybe a dash of color, but nothing too bold, okay? Never go in high heels, a Dr. Seuss hat or anything resembling lingerie. And if you sport your “Bitch Please” t-shirt, well, good luck.

Do not drink more than one cup of coffee before beginning your shopping excursion. Caffeine brightens the personality and interrupts the cattle-like flow of the customer experience. Plus, you might have to go to the bathroom and then find yourself lost in the kitchenware abyss while attempting to navigate your way back to the chair dungeon.

If you plan to stay more than three hours, please, for the love of Pete, have a double order of Swedish meatballs to keep your stamina going. Then plunk down on a Norsborg or an Ektorp or possibly a Knopparp and give those barking dogs a rest.

Are you still looking at that Jokkmokk?

After retrieving your unassembled goods from the supply crevasse, make sure not to forget to snag a few edibles from the food alcove. But do take note that while the Glögg Äpple does come in a wine bottle-shaped receptacle, it does not contain alcohol.

You’re still thinking about that Jokkmokk, aren’t you. That’s just fine. You can come back and get it next weekend.

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