The Even More Infinite Dress

(2013)

By now you’ve probably heard of the Infinite Dress, the convertible dress that can be transformed to provide endless style possibilities. It has been deemed the best travel dress by a prominent travel website and packed into scores of rolling suitcases. But sometimes simply having unlimited fashion options away from home is only the beginning. For those of us dress-wearers who like to get a bit more intrepid on our voyages, there’s a new, much-advanced version of the old classic: the Even More Infinite Dress (EMID).

Although everyone will agree the EMID does make a lovely garment in its slew of dress forms – suitable for occasions such as chowing down on skewered delights at the night market or perusing the liquor selection in the Duty Free shop at the airport – it is also truly your best bet for a variety of exotic exploits. (Available in Obsidian, Tigress Orange and Sparkletone.

For those overnight excursions to remote rock ledges, cut back ample weight from your backpack load by using the versatile EMID instead of your usual bulky gear. When it’s time to turn in for the evening, just open the trap door behind the lapels of the dress, unfurl the secret sash, snake it under your armpit, wrastle it down toward your knees, yank the auxiliary flap and you’ve got an instant bivvy shelter to protect you against those harsh elements.

Thinking of bagging a few peaks, you say? You’re in luck if you hear the dreaded rumble of a mountain climber’s nightmares. For an instant avalanche airbag, twist the EMID’s certified Fair Trade batik cravat to a forty-five degree angle in either direction, shimmy the elastic arm-shield into place, tie the tip of the cravat to the shield using a Double-Cleveland Sasquatch knot (step by step instructions in the accompanying brochure) and take refuge from the torrent of alpine debris.

In a pinch while skydiving, the EMID makes an excellent, not to mention exquisite, parachute. You’ll find the rip cord located under the reversible Peter Pan collar. Just reach back and hook your finger through the loop, then tug quickly to the left while holding the collar taut with your other hand. Finagle the collar into a cloverleaf-style fold and voilá! You’ll be sailing down dilemma-free.

Maybe you weren’t planning to smuggle a slow loris to keep as a pet back home, but now you’ve fallen in love with the tiny, wide-eyed creature and need a way to get it safely through customs. Use the EMID’s handy x-ray-proof pouch in such a predicament. Start by stretching the decorative ascot of the EMID toward your chin, extend it over your head, sweep the leatherette phalanges across your face, then yank the bungee cord to lengthen the inner compartment where you’ll be able to store up to sixteen pounds of anything from live animals to illegal bush meat.

For dangerous border-crossings of all kinds, find security with the EMID’s bulletproof sheath. Simply unravel the Kevlar Ultra-Cushion™ from the nether regions of the back hem. Next, elongate the two opposing strands made of 100% eco-friendly kumquat fiber to reveal the hidden zipper, wind the belt around your shoulder until it pops and hunker down for the ride!

Don’t forget the EMID also changes into a life jacket. Woman overboard? No problem! Flick the belt loops on either side of the waist until you hear a ripping sound. Now ease the strap under your clavicle toward the nape of your neck, slip your left arm out of its sleeve and the jacket will begin to inflate. Happen to fall into the Everglades? Turn the miniature dial next to the hand-tatted lace pocket near the waistband. Poof! You’re encased in your own a croc-resistant bubble!

And remember, the EMID is an elegant choice for any number of sophisticated affairs. Whether you’re going to a VIP luncheon hosted by the First Lady, attending a debutante ball or presenting an oversized check at a charity event, the EMID is your dress of choice. Throw it on in its original sheath form, cinch the neckline with a brooch – get creative!

No more travel worries or overloaded baggage with the EMID, and you’ll look chic to boot. Call now and we’ll throw in an Infinite Hosiery Collection. These stockings are guaranteed never to snag or run, even when pierced by the complimentary fishing spear that comes with the set! And don’t forget to keep an eye out for our new line of Even More Infinite attire, including the Even More Infinite Chador, Burkha and Sari!

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